Fear and failure: The drama of my driving exams
I failed my practical driving exam. Again. For the third time.
That’s on top of the seven times I failed my theory exam. This driving “ellende” (misery) has been running for three years, squeezing my bank account dry by the month.
I was very nervous but I had more self confidence that the last two. I’ve been doing really well in my driving lessons. But there were two mistakes that the examinator just couldn’t let pass. When it involves a biker and right of way, you can’t take the wrong decision. That cost me my third failure. Yet again, I went home with swollen eyes.
I took two days off to ease the pressure and concentrate on the exam and not have to deal with office stress. I ran the morning before to increase my endorphin level (to calm me down), even managed to laugh despite the nervousness, had a proper breakfast too. But the moment I got into the car for a short driving lesson before the exam proper, I started shaking. I was focusing too much on one instruction and forgetting everything that I was ever told. I was overthinking. The big rotundas were looming on me, like I would never get off the right exit. There were moments that I was blocking out. I was crying behind the wheels the day before my exam. It was the same scenario 30 minutes before.
I think they call it “falangst” in Dutch or fear of failing. But can you blame me?
I was afraid and ashamed. I’ve usually come out unscathed from difficult situations like these – from break ups, to moving abroad and being jobless. But this, this has been the only challenge that I have not been able to overcome until now. The people closest to me have seen the bucket of tears I’ve poured on this, how it has broken my spirits time and time again and how it made me soooo angry. So angry at myself for not getting it right.
Unless you’ve failed your driving exams more than twice, you’ll never know what I am talking about. You won’t understand the pain and embarrassment of having to tell people that you’ve failed again, even to the ones that you love. Or having to explain why. Or judging yourself based from what you think they think of you because, well you failed that same exam again.
“Have you not learned enough? Have you not spent too much money already? Can you be so stupid? Why don’t you just quit and save your money?”
I fell that those who haven’t gone through what I’m going through have no business telling me what I should do. Ironically, those who have been there would only advise me not to give up.
I am avoiding well wishers as well.
“Good luck. You can do it. I’d cross my fingers for you. This time you’ll get it.”
These words are empty to me. If at all, they only increased the pressures on my shoulder. I am already struggling in my own head and I didn’t want to muddle it even more with such wishes.
Whenever I fail, I’d ask people not to give me sympathy. That doesn’t help me either. When I failed for the second time, I told my colleague not to bother me with her sympathy and just move on and pretend nothing happened when I came to the office the next day. She was rightfully offended. She wanted to offer me consolations and tell me some wisdom for the next exam. Things that were absolutely not welcome. I don’t think others could give me better advice than my instructor and my examinators.
There is also this friend who kept on telling me that she passed hers in one try and shame on me because her daughter already passed hers (I started my driving lessons before her) and maybe her son would get his driver’s license before I get mine. It is horrifying how people could still kick you when you’re already on the ground.
I know that it is human reaction, to offer consolation whenever you see that a person is down. Like how Sheldon Cooper (Big Bang Theory) is “obligated” to offer warm drinks whenever he sees that someone is unhappy. And Leonard has to tell him he doesn’t want the warm drinks and would just rather be alone and curl into fetal position.
I don’t want that warm tea and have deprived some people the reaction that they were expecting. I have offended quite a few this way, when I don’t run to their arms with great appreciation and gratefulness for their sympathy. A pat in the back and a simple “it’s ok” were actually all that I needed. Or what my mother would say everytime, “Ok lang yan anak, next time uli.” (It’s ok child, try again next time.) I think I am perfectly capable of bouncing back because that’s really the only option I’ve got.
I know some people who failed their driving exams, six times, one, even eight times. I read on the internet that there were some who failed 11 times. I know that I am not the only one struggling with it. I might be good in a lot of things but apparently, I am not in this one. It’s a bitter fact to swallow. But one day I would be sitting behind the wheels all on my own. But now, if the examinator thinks that I am not yet ready to do that, then probably I am not ready yet.
To get a Dutch driver’s license is way more difficult that to get a Dutch passport. Here we have one thing that not a lot of countries have – bikers, lots of them. Some of them are too arrogant and too stupid to follow the rules but when you are driving a car, the responsibility rests on your shoulders because you can kill somebody. The Dutch driving exams are designed to take all that in consideration – being able to drive 130 km/hr if the speed limit is 130km/hr, anticipating the movements of the weaker traffic participants (BIKERS, pedestrians, KIDS, STUPID PEOPLE), and knowing the rules of traffic, ALL of them. Those are the reasons why the Netherlands is among the countries with the lowest fatal traffic accidents.
I am not giving up. It’s not in my nature to give up. I will cry, I will get mad and I might have to empty my savings account. But I am not going to give up on this one. Not this time. Never. And when I finally get it, I’d treat myself to that bottle of 22 year old Macallan Private Cellar Cask.
Dutch driving exam, you can’t put me down!
I felt a bit guilty that I was so worked up about my failure. A young boy I knew from childhood went missing and was found dead yesterday. He was run over by a motorcycle and was even robbed. My misery is nothing compared to his family. And my ability to drive properly and carefully in the future will spare families like my friend’s from the ordeal of losing someone they love.
That was a nice last paragraph, Dhez.
I miss you Bart. Too bad you weren’t able to congratulate me anymore.
I like your mom. π
I admire your fighting spirit.
I was very moved with the conclusion you arrived at the end of the blog.
Hopefully the ones, who are going through the same will have the same attitude and perspective as you.
Being a competent and responsible driver can truly save lives. It is worth all the investment you put in, Dhez.
Recently, there was an accident at the bike path I always take when I go to Amsterdam by train. I bike there in the pitch dark, when I go back home.
A boy, 13 year old, crossed over and the driver, who hit him said, he came out like a deer from the woods (where I ran a lot – where he crossed with his bike , I often crossed during my runs). It is my worst nightmare as a mom, whose daughters bike everyday in the school week, and during weekends to meet up with friends. They are responsible but I always remind them, that not all drivers can react fast in certain situations and not all are responsible.
It took me 5 years to feel confident with the biking lifestyle here in NL. On the bike paths while looking out for the safety of our girls I was struggling with my anxiety & panic attacks. I did not learn to bike until I was 18. I was very ashamed about this, when I started living in Germany (as a 21 years old), and had to bike first in the woods to practice. One Summer we went to Denmark not only to have a vacation but to have all the space I need to gain confidence and strength.
One of the things that held me back from moving in a village here in Holland is the fear of biking everywhere and being a nuisance to traffic because of ignorance. Or worst dying because I make a stupid mistake on the road.
Reading this gives me yet again trust for drivers I share the road with in the Netherlands; I see very clearly now why it is not allowed as an Asian driver (I had an international driver’s license when I moved to Germany) to just exchange their local license to a Dutch one.
Hi Joanne, I forgot to reply on this comment of yours.
I think learning to bike at a later age is also a challenge and you were brave enough to do it. I couldn’t imagine surviving Holland without biking. You really have a supportive husband.
The most important thing I learned in my driving lessons, and I think they drill that into every driving student’s heads, is to anticipate danger especially bikers. You cannot expect everybody to follow the rule, especially the weaker participants in traffic so you have to be really aware of your surroundings. I still get nervous when driving in a 50 or 30 zone.
Thank you very much for this post. It’s making me feel much better about the fact that I just failed the practical exam for the second time.
I already failed 4x. You should not beat yourself up. I think Netherlands has one of the most difficult driving exam in the world.
Wow! I have just finished crying me eyes out, coming back from the centre. not only did i fail for the second time my theory exam, but my points were worse than the first time. every one said even I too, that since i only missed one point the last time, I’ll definitely clear it this time. I sit here blaming myself and feeling that I disappointed my partner, don’t know how i stumbled on this post. but thank you for sharing this. thank you and thank you. i feel better and ready to try again. all the best.
Hi! Did you get your dutch driver’s license? Greetings! X
Hi I finally did, January this year.
Awesome.. itβs giving me hope too.. it seems I was writing this feelings which you shared. I am into same boat. Have next exam in 3-4 days. Hoping for best.
You’ll get there. You’ll have that driver’s license. Just don’t give up.
I’d like to say, “Thanks a lot!”
Your post really helped me with hopes when I was super upset after failing 5 times.
I always got nervous during driving with the examiner. My last examiner told me, my main issue of being nervous was due to not looking far ahead in advance, so I got nervous when I see a bike all of sudden or seeing a turning sign at very last moment. I worked on it very hard for the last time.
Just passed my test 2 days ago on the 6th try. π
My examiner told me, “You drive too safe!” Haha π
(NB: I tried many other theories of eating a banana before the exam, having chewing gum, taking nervous reducing pills, chocolate, smoking.. etc etc. Believe me, none of these helps, Look far, further ahead. that’s the secret for me! π )
Hi Adnan, glad to hear you passed. I had the same problem. Looking back, I realized that the first car I was driving was a BMW which is very low so I couldn’t see the road ahead that well. I’m pretty small. When I switched instructor, I was driving an Audi which is a bit higher. I could the road better. Every time we encounter something difficult in the future, we should look back to our driving exam adventure in the Netherlands and then there’s nothing we couldn’t overcome anymore. π